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I feel like I’m going back into remission.. Like I’m going back to the way I was before I had you in my life. Depressed. Pushing everyone away. No life in me, no feeling but sadness and hatred for myself. I’ve been so strong, how did I let this one day get to me?
I know, because it’s mothers day. The one day I feel completly empty and useless because the child I could have had is out of my life. Because she was never there. I’ve stood for what I did, and I still do. I’m not wrong for what I did but wish things could have been different. I could have had you in my life, I could have held you every night. Loved you, cared for you. I try to tell myself everyday that the accomplishments I’ve made, how far I’ve come, is because of you. And it is. But as I tell myself these things it makes that emptiness in my heart ache. That feeling, a mothers feeling, is no use if I’ve got nothing to show for it.
The cutting, the burning was to release the pain. But it has only numbed it.
I’m very strong for how far I’ve come, to stand for girls who are afraid of what their voice could bring. I am pro-choice because it is MY choice. And even though I stand so strong for what I believe in it doesn’t take the pain away of losing you. I love you, I miss you, you’ll always have the place in my heart nothing could ever replace. My accomplishments, my strength, my future, my everything, my first daughter.
December 17th 2009-February 9th 2009
(via californiasins)
